a piece of shit is what you are.
i think my mind has become rather selective. i try to remember bits and pieces of my life and i can’t but perhaps it’s a good thing. thinking about that time just takes me to a dark place. it still hurts and it always will and that’s the sad part. there is no “closure” nor is there a sincere apology. you don’t get reimbursed for the time and effort you put into this person, you don’t even get support. there you are, alone…with no one to possibly rely on but yourself because talking about abuse isn’t something people can relate to anyway.
i remember how detailed he was, how he knew exactly what to order for me cuz he had memorized my favorite foods, there wasn’t a mountain he wouldn’t move for me…..or a bottle he wouldn’t put down for me. alcohol played a big part in our dilemmas but it was never an excuse. the problems within him were far beyond my control. i learned that the hard way. the fact that i couldn’t change him killed me inside. after all, this was someone i cared about. why would i ever want him to fail?
i always had so much remorse him. a part of me couldn’t leave because i hoped things would change, isn’t that what love is about? overcoming every obstacle that comes your way? so i thought. eventually that remorse became nothing but fright. then came that night….
it’s been 4 years, im still healing. it took a lot for me to finally forgive myself and come to terms with what happened. i never signed up to be part of an abusive relationship. that was never part of my fairy tale ending. the insults, the fights, the tears, the wounds….all of that can’t be erased. i am that statistic and i hope one day it ends.
"every day, 3 women die at the hands of their partner." sigh.
it is as simple,
and as complicated as that.